Most people view “prenuptial agreements” or “pre-nups” as distasteful or as a sign of distrust between a couple planning to get married. There’s always the connotation that this piece of paper is insurance when the couple’s “happily ever after” take a turn into a battle in the divorce court; and that it is for the truly wealthy and celebrities only.

Will you put car, home, health and life insurance in the same light? I don’t think so. Prenuptial agreements are similar to these insurances – no one anticipates an accident, fire, major sickness, death or divorce. We certainly do not want to talk about it, but it can happen and sometimes it does happen to us when we least expected; and it is best to be prepared.

Pre-nups is a protection, just like car or life insurance. It may not protect you from every conceivable problem, but if properly drafted, it will certainly limit them. Pre-nups are not prelude to divorces. Any pre-nup which promotes divorce is unenforceable. Yes, a pre-nup is a legal document, just like your marriage certificate. Although you do not need a legal counsel for your marriage certificate, it is best to consult a competent counsel for your prenups.

Before you run to your legal counsel, let me summarize what is the point of prenups. Then you decide if you need it:

• Protection of property. This includes waiving community property rights (for those states that have them), such as real estates, businesses, retirement plans and intellectual properties.
• Providing for (or not) spousal support.
• Preservation of separate property and debt. This ensures that what is yours is yours and that you will not inherit your spouse’s debt in the event that he/she forfeits payment.

Do you get the feeling that pre-nups is about money or assets and debt or liabilities? If so, you are right. What makes pre-nups difficult to talk about before the marriage is that most couples do not want to discuss it. But, guess what the most common topic that couples fight about? You are right – money. It is best to be frank and open about both your finances up front. Then there will be fewer things to worry about later.

There are a lot of things that cannot go into pre-nups. Even if they are stated in the pre-nup, they are not enforceable. These are the following:

• Limitations on child support
• Custody
• Religion
• Promotion of divorce
• Damages for cheating

To get to know more about prenuptial agreement, I recommend Arlene Dubin’s book Prenups for Lovers: A Romantic Guide to Prenuptial Agreements.

In the words of the author, a pre-nup is “… a private agreement between a couple contemplating marriage.  The couple arranges, in advance, financial matters in the event of death …”.  Prenuptial agreements are no longer exclusively for the rich and famous.  They are increasing becoming commonplace for those not so rich and famous, too.

Writing Thank You Notes

Writing thank you notes for all the gifts you received is your next big challenge after your wedding.  This could be daunting, especially if you had hundreds of guests to thank.  Here are some tips to help you alleviate your fears of tackling the “thank you notes” writing:

Start from the Planning Stage

Assign someone with the responsibility of listing gifts that you received during your engagement, bridal showers and wedding gifts.  The list will contain the name of the giver, a short description of what was given, the occasion (engagement, bridal shower,  wedding), the date the gift was received and a space to place a check mark once the thank you cards are mailed.  You can use a simple Excel file to create this list.  This way, you have all the names of the persons you need to send thank you notes.

Avoid Procrastination

Refer to the gift list above and write the thank you note within two weeks after you receive the gift, but the sooner, the better.  This way you do not have to write all of them at the same time.  Your notes will sound more sincere because you do not have to rush writing them.  Once the thank you note has been mailed, place a check mark next to the guest’s name and watch your list fill with check marks.

Writing Tips

• Sending thank you notes through emails is not appropriate.

• Send handwritten thank you notes.  They do not need to be written in calligraphy, but do write legibly.

• Acknowledge each gift separately. For example, if you receive an engagement gift, a bridal shower gift and a wedding gift from your friend, Mary, send her 3 thank you notes – one for each of the gifts.

• Mention the gift specifically and how you plan on using it.

• For money gifts, acknowledge it by mentioning your  plan on how you will use it.  There is no need to mention exact dollar amount.

• Don’t forget to acknowledge your bridal party and ushers. It is also expected of you to give them gifts not just thank you notes.

• Thank you notes are not only for gifts.  Thank all those who helped make your wedding special, including any wedding professionals and family members.  Include their names in your gift list and write down the service or how they helped you on the column for “gifts”.

• Ask your fiancé/husband to share the responsibility of writing thank you notes to help you out.

Photo Credits: The White Aisle

"Un-traditional Wedding"

Choosing to elope is a very personal decision. Eloping means that you and your fiancé decide to get married alone with no traditional wedding ceremony or reception. It is usually done in secret. Deciding to elope is often a very spontaneous decision, and something that a couple doesn’t plan very far ahead of time. Some people also consider a destination wedding to be an elopement, but this is not a true interpretation of the term. Since a destination wedding or even a small at-home wedding still involves guests, invitations, and a reception, these are not “real” elopements in the traditional way.

The Upside of Elopement
One of the biggest pros to eloping is the money that you will save. Many couples prefer to skip the expensive ceremony and reception and opt for an elopement that may be a few hundred dollars at most. Another reason that couples chose to elope is to forgo lengthy legal requirements in their home state. Some locations require a blood test or other waiting period before the wedding, so a couple may decide to elope in another state where they can get married immediately (think Las Vegas). Many couples who elope will also take their honeymoon in the same locale where they got married. Instead of spending their money on a big ceremony, they may opt to spend it on their dream vacation together.

The Downside of Elopement
If you elope on the spur of the moment, the biggest problem you will probably run into will be the reactions of family and friends. Close family may be especially insulted that they were not there at your wedding. If this is your first marriage, you should take time to consider if you really want to give up the once in a lifetime chance for a wedding. If you are simply looking to avoid a big event, consider opting for a small wedding instead of an elopement.

There are a few more modern options for eloping that do allow the couple to plan ahead. Many cruise lines offer private beach weddings, with only the bride and groom. These packages usually include a special suite for the bride and groom after the ceremony, champagne and strawberries in the room, photos of the event, and a special wedding certificate. The marriage is usually performed at the first stop of the cruise so that the couple can enjoy the rest of the trip as their honeymoon. Though this is technically considered an elopement, because only the bride and groom are present, this is an option that allows for a little more planning and advance notice.

However you choose to elope, you should note that wedding gifts are usually forfeit. If you elope, it is considered rude to still register for gifts. In most cases, you won’t even need to send announcements, unless you feel that your friends and relatives would like to know about your recent marriage. Word of mouth should suffice for the occasion. Some close friends and family may choose to send a card or small gift, but you shouldn’t expect the kind of windfall that many couples receive when they hold a traditional wedding.

Is Elopement Right For You?
In the end, choosing to elope is a decision that can only be made by the bride and groom. This special, private ceremony will be an intimate memory for you and your fiancé and may be just the thing for a spontaneous couple. However, it is important to consider your family, especially parents, when making this decision, and choose the type of marriage that will be the best for everyone.

Photo Credits:  Elope Today Beverly Hills, Los Angeles

Vendor Tips

It may be the last thing a frugal bride wants to hear, but tipping wedding vendors is an absolute requirement.  You will benefit to plan for this early in the planning process.  Never take the amount you are being charged at face value.  Always factor in your tip so that you don’t come up short on the big day.

When determining who to tip and how much they should get, the first thing you need to find out is if there are any gratuities included. Many vendors now include gratuities in the bill. This is especially common among caterers.  If your caterer included gratuities, you do not need to tip your servers.  If gratuity is not included, it is important to consult with the catering company on the best method for tipping.

All vendors should receive their tips on the wedding day, after they have performed their service.  If you have a wedding planner, she should take care of all of this.  If you do not have a wedding planner, this duty usually falls to the best man.  Be prepared with tips – and payments where applicable – in separate, well-labeled envelopes.  Hand these over to the best man early in the day and never give it a second thought.  If you feel that the best man is not the right person for this responsibility, it should then be turned over to one of the fathers.

The general rules for tipping:

• if gratuity is not included in the contract, for caterer, wait staff, bartender, DJ’s or musicians, limousine driver, hair and make-up stylists – the customary amount would be up to 15% of the amount or $150, which ever is less
• parking attendants- fifty cents to a dollar for each car
• restroom or coatroom attendants – fifty cents to a dollar for each guest
• florists, bakers, photographers, videographers, and musicians – optional.  If you do choose to tip these individuals, it can be at your own discretion up to 15%.
• officiates should not be tipped. It is considered polite to instead make a contribution to the church. These donations should be no less than $75 and are frequently in excess of $100

Keep in mind that tips may be adjusted for services that are performed either exceptionally well, or very poorly.  Most wedding vendors also appreciate a simple thank you card.  It is important to keep in mind that these dedicated professionals helped to provide you with a very special day, and deserve the proper appreciation.

Bridal Registry Shopping

One of the most fun and exciting parts of planning a wedding is going shopping with your fiancé and selecting items for your bridal registry.  While you can’t politely broadcast your wish list, most guests will ask what kinds of gifts you want to receive.  Therefore, it is important to be prepared with an answer.

The most common way of selecting gifts for a wedding is through a bridal registry.  You can now find bridal registries at almost any store from Crate&Barrel to Target.  Choose one or two of your favorite stores and visit their website or inquire in person about their bridal registries.

You may want to select more than one store for your registry if you can’t find everything that you want in one location.  However, it is best to stick with two and do not go over three separate registries.  When you have multiple registries you must keep very careful track of what you have selected at each store.  Keep in mind that a guest visiting one registry won’t know what the other ones are.  Therefore, if you select two sets of knives at different stores, you could very well receive two knife sets.  If you only want one, you must select a single store to register for that gift.

You should also keep location in mind.  When selecting which stores to register at, select at least one that is a chain.  This is especially important if you have guests coming from a variety of locations.  If everyone receiving an invitation or announcement is located in the same general area, this will be less of an issue, but you should still make sure you select a location that is convenient for everyone.  Most stores also offer online registries that will allow your guests the convenience of ordering gifts online and having them shipped directly to you.

Once you have registered, start getting the word out.  Most guests will find out about your registry through word of mouth.  Your close friends and family and bridal party should all know how to answer the question of where you are registered.  If you have a wedding website, you can also provide your registry information, and possibly even a link, on this page.  It is tacky to add your registry information on your wedding invitation, but when your guests ask you directly, just respond politely, but don’t hesitate to express your wishes.

But what do you do when you receive something that was nowhere to be found on your careful, detailed list?

Obviously this is no problem if you receive something you still enjoy.  If, however, you find yourself gifted with something you would never need or use…you should explore your options carefully.  Hold onto the gift until after the wedding.  Once the event is over and the guests are safely home, you have a few choices.

You are not obligated to keep a gift that you do not enjoy unless it is an heirloom.  In the case of all other gifts, if you know where it came from, you can probably return it.  If returning it isn’t an option, there’s always the dubious method of regifting.  Regifting is still considered by many to be extremely rude, so if you go this route you need to tread carefully.  Never give the gift to someone who might know where it came from (like forgetting to remove the card from the original giver), or who knows the original gift-giver. Can you imagine what would happen if the original gifter finds out what you did.  And never regift something just to get it off your hands.  Only pass the item on to someone who would truly enjoy it.  If the original gift-giver asks after their item one day, be prepared with a quick explanation that it’s packed away somewhere.

If you receive duplicates, you should have a much easier time.  You can return or regift duplicates as well. When either of the gifters who gave you the item asks after it or wants to see it, simply show them the one you kept.  There’s no need to let them know about the mistake.  Unless you get duplicates of something you really would use two of, don’t keep them both.  This will just create clutter in your new home.

Always keep careful track of all gifts as you receive them.  When writing your thank you notes, thank your guests for the gift they gave you.  Even if you didn’t keep it, thank them for that item.  Include notes in your thank you cards that mention specifically why you enjoy the item and what you will do with it. And remember, as much fun as the gifts are, the wedding is about spending your life with your spouse and celebrating your love, whether you get the exact blender that you wanted or not.

Reception Gift Card Holder

As the marriage age grows steadily higher, more and more couples find themselves entering marriage with all of the basic dishes, linens, and home goods that are usually listed on a bridal registry.  In many cases, the bride and groom may really prefer cash as a wedding gift.  While traditional etiquette frowns on this, don’t immediately give in and register for items you don’t need.

Best Way to Ask for Cash Gifts
While it is still considered rude to ask for money outright, there are plenty of more subtle ways to go about doing this.  The best way to let your guests know what you want is by word of mouth.  Make sure that your close friends and family all know that you prefer to receive money.  The bridal party should be in on this as well, as guests may contact one of them (most likely the Maid of Honor or Best Man) to get this information.

In most cases, your guests will understand.  Many of the people invited to your wedding are likely to be close friends and family that you are able to be honest with.  You should let them know why you prefer money if possible.  In many cases this may be because you are saving for large purchases such as furniture, a new house, or a car.

Gifts for Charity
Another option if you prefer to forgo traditional wedding gifts is to have money donated in your names to a charity.  If you decide to go this route, select your favorite charity and contact them.  They may be able to offer advice on setting up a special fund for this event and can give you specific instructions on how your guests should donate.  Though this is still considered a monetary gift, it is a beautiful way to give back and use your wedding as a way to better the world.

Thank You Note
Remember to keep careful track of all gifts received.  It can be especially easy to lose track if you are collecting several checks.  Dedicate a special notebook or spreadsheet to keeping careful track of this information.  When it comes to gifts, keep in mind that your guests will appreciate knowing what you would really like.  By providing this information in a tactful and polite manner, you will be able to get the type of gifts you want without upsetting etiquette and tradition – lastly, do not forget to send a thank you note to your guests.

What to talk about Money

I came across this financial questionnaire from Real Simple and I felt that my readers will be interested in knowing how their respective fiancé handles his finances.  The best time to have a frank financial discussion is now.  You both need to know your savings and spending habits.  Many marital troubles arise from arguments about money.

What if you find out that you have different ways of handling your respective finances? Then, it is time to compromise and agree on where to loosen and where to tighten your budget or financial spending.  It is best that you both have a clear understanding and a shared approach on how best to handle your finances before you say your “I do’s”.

Print this Money Checklist To Ask Each Other and start talking about your future financial plan.

Wedding Reception Seating

Many brides consider coming up with a seating arrangement for the reception was one of the most difficult tasks in the wedding planning process.  While this will always be an important and time-consuming job, there are some tips that can help make the process go a little smoother.

The first thing you need to know before you begin your seating arrangements is how many tables you will have and how many people will be seated at each table.  Once you have this information, you can begin making short lists of who will sit at each table.

Head Table
You should start with the head table.  There are several options for this.  If you have one long head table, the bride and groom sit in the middle. The bride will sit to the right of the groom. Then, your first option is to seat the best man beside the bride and maid of honor beside the groom, in which case you will seat the other bridesmaids and groomsmen in alternating order along the table (each bridesmaid between two groomsmen and vice versa). The second option is to seat the maid of honor beside the bride, with the bridesmaids together along one side of the table, and the best man beside the groom with the groomsmen together along the other side of the table.

When it comes to seating the head table, you should consider the people who are in the wedding party, and which arrangement they will be more comfortable with.  Many couples now opt out of having a head table altogether. In this case the bride and groom will sit alone at a sweetheart table for two.  You can then seat all of your attendants together at one table, or seat your attendants with their dates or spouses at several tables.

Parents Table
After you have decided where to seat the wedding party, next up choosing a table for the parents.  Traditionally the parents of both the bride and groom will sit together at a table with the officiate and his wife.  Divorced and/or remarried parents can make this arrangement a little trickier.  If either the bride or groom has divorced parents that would be uncomfortable sitting together, then by all means, seat them with other family members that will make the evening more comfortable for them.  The best way to handle these types of situations is to sit down separately with each parent and determine what will make them the most comfortable.

Kids Table
Your next consideration may be the other little participants in the wedding – the ring bearer and flower girl.  If you choose to have children in the wedding, the best idea for the reception is to seat them either with their parents, or at a children’s table if you have one.  If they are sitting with their parents you may seat them all at the same table so the children feel that they are still at an important table.

Guests Table
When it comes to seating the rest of your guests, the most important thing is that they have a good time.  Make sure that every person has at least one and preferably two or three people at their table that they know.  You will probably have to have one or more tables where your guests will be seated with some people with whom they are not familiar.  Use your best judgment and try to put together people with similar interests, or within the same age range.

Seating Plan
Your last task in the seating process is deciding where each table will be placed.  The head table should face the rest of the room and remain mostly unobstructed. T he next closest tables should be those with parents and other close relatives.  Be careful to seat the more elderly guests away from speakers or the kitchen, as they may not be able to hear very well from these locations.  Likewise, children seated near the kitchen may get under the feet of servers.

Enlist the help of your parents and attendants during this planning.  Here is a Setting Arrangement Plan that you may consider when giving your seating arrangement the care and attention it deserves.  By following these tips, you should be able to set up the perfect reception in no time at all!

At the end of the movie, my hubby, who lovingly calls me his “wedding fanatic”, asked me if having a guy as the maid of honor is acceptable in “real” weddings. Interesting question. Some brides-to-be might be interested to know, as well. So I am sharing my answer with you. There is no rule in any wedding etiquette book that says only women can be maid of honors.

If you do chose to have a guy to be your maid of honor, he would be called the “honor attendant”. The title is not as important as the duties that a “maid of honor” or MOH needs to fulfill. He still has the duties that MOH’s traditionally do, except traditionally “feminine” duties like helping you get into your wedding gown, straightening your veil and train. But, he still can go with you to choose your gown, shoes, jewelries, the dishes pattern and all the tiny pre-wedding details that brides need to attend to.

Some of MOH duties are:

• Arrange a bridal shower
• Help the bride with addressing envelopes
• Record wedding or bridal shower gifts
• Hold the bride’s bouquet while she exchanges rings with the groom
• Hold the groom’s wedding ring (or retrieve the ring from the ring bearer’s pillow)
• Lend support in emotional crisis
• Listen with compassion, give wise advice, and be a true friend
• Have a sense of humor to keep the stressed-out bride laughing

During the ceremony, your honor attendant stands on your side. In the processional and recessional, he can walk in before the rest of the bride’s attendants, or, if there are more bridesmaids than usher, escort one of the bridesmaids. In summary, the MOH or HA exist, foremost, to help you, the bride, in ensuring that every tiny detail of your wedding are taken cared of efficiently and effectively so you can have the wedding of your dreams.

The movie “Maid of Honor” has raised a question – Can you ask a male best friend as your “maid of honor” and what would be his duties?

May 3, 2008